Shattered...

Here's a post I didn't think I'd ever have to write. Warning: it's depressing. Really depressing. Right now, I don't care who reads it or what they think of it. End of story. This is just a doorway into my mind right now and only that. This is only text on a page. I'm not going to go off the deep end or anything. There's no need to worry. I'm sure I'll heal eventually. I always have, so I have no reason to suspect otherwise. I will say though that it will be difficult.

Another warning: NO ONE who reads this blog will be able to even slightly comprehend some of what I'm talking about. Some of you--you know who you are--will be saying "I know it was important to you," and "I'm sorry you couldn't go." Others will read this and think to themselves, "So what?" or "Oh, it was just something small like that? You really had me scared!" However, keep in mind that ALL of you have NO IDEA how important this was. No one can ever possibly know. And that's probably the worst part of it all.

So, right now, I can't even begin to communicate how depressed I am. I've had one of my greatest dreams just stolen out from under me by some Japanese company. It's something I've been wanting to do for more than four years now, and it can never happen again. It's gone for good. Like really.

Over four years ago, I found out about Abe no Seimei (this guy that I'm studying, for those who can't keep up), and discovered that the millenial anniversary of his death was this year: 2005. I had made a promise to both him and to myself that I would come visit his shrine sometime during that year. Because of lots of things that had happened, it suddenly became me spending Christmas there with him, which I thought was very good. I mean, who gets to spend Christmas with a thousand-year-old ghost whom he happens to feel some inner connection with? Well, now that's become impossible. Because there was just a little bit more snow than predicted, the particular tour bus that I chose was cancelled (mind you, the others were not), and I am no longer able to go by any means. My promise has been literally shattered and there is no word for what I feel besides "devastated."

I have only been close to being this depressed twice in my life. Both situations I recall with amazing clarity, but feel it is a bit of a moot point, so I won't even bother going into them. One was back senior year of high school, and the other was in college. This is the third, but out of them all, it is the first one that ever involved the shattering of one of my dreams. And for those who have never experienced this feeling, let me be the first to tell you that you are extremely lucky.

Part of the reason that this is so devastating is because there were literally hundreds of obstacles to getting here. I've really come so far. On my way home on the train, I pictured every single obstacle that I passed along the way in order to make it here. I finished college and made it to Japan. Basically everything I've ever achieved in the last four plus years was all leading up to this moment--this single precious moment--which now lies shattered irreparably. I hate it because it shows me how truly insignificant I am and how I constantly work and slave only to get crap thrown in my face. These past two weeks, I've been stressed so much that I've almost had my second nervous breakdown ever, and THIS is what I have to deal with afterward? This is how I'm repaid for all of the hard work I've done and every one of the hundreds of obstacles I've overcome?

And that's not mentioning the timing. According to some, this is "the most wonderful time of the year," and "the season of perpetual hope." Right now, I feel like I'm beyond hope. I feel almost like everything I've ever wanted and everyone I've ever cared for has all vanished in a moment's notice and I'm left by myself to just sit and rot. As much as I hate to admit it, that's really what I feel like doing right now. Going home (yes, HOME-home, not Japan-home) and just rotting.

I just feel so horrible, like this entire trip has suddenly lost every bit of value it ever had. Like everything I've been fighting for for years has been all for nothing. Even everything I mentioned previously that I was so happy about--even Carol--doesn't hold a candle to this.

I've been following Seimei ever since I first heard of him. I've bought countless books (I've got fifty right here on the shelf above my bed, all purchased during this trip) and things that are somehow related to him. I've worked so hard to be able to get this far and keep my promise, and now it's all gone.

This really was a war for me, and I lost several battles (some of you were witnesses to that; for example, the Fulbright was a serious lost battle for me), but now, I've finally lost the war. And it is with those thoughts that I'm basically forced to accept the fact that Christmas will be here in about twenty-five hours. And then, after that, I get to spend my two-week vacation studying for next term and planning out my future (or lack thereof). And that makes me feel oh-so-much-happier. On that note, I think all I have left to say is that this will surely be a Christmas that I will never forget.

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(Afternote: I can't help but emphasize the "don't get worried about me" part. I'm just venting my emotions. That's all. I AM NOT going to do something stupid like go out and get wasted or commit suicide or anything. Don't worry, I know better than that. Besides, that's not the same kind of depressed. I just feel right now like I'm worthless [or at least worthless as far as the game of life is concerned] and that no one can make me think otherwise. At least for now.)

Addendum: I'm not sure if I'll write another entry in the next twenty-five hours or not, so if I don't, everyone have a Merry Christmas.

1/3

So, now my first term at KCP is finished. I have completed one-third of my time in Japan thus far. It's interesting how everything has worked out. I've moved from my host family into the dorm, and everything is working out pretty well. The meal plan here is something I'm going to have to adjust to, and next year, chances are good that I'll be in the morning class instead of the afternoon class, so that will definitely be a big adjustment as well. We'll have to see what happens. Then again, I'm all ready for it.

What I'm not sure I'm ready for is this big trip to Kyoto today. I'm all psyched, but at the same time, I'm not sure. I've wanted to go for so long now, and now that it's finally here, I'm not sure what to think. I had to spend yesterday doing all the things I should have done a week ago if it weren't for the hecticness of finals season (for example, getting my Alien Registration Card, trying to cancel my flight home, getting my visa taken care of, and all of those other little things I need to do to stay in the country).

I could do that all nice and fine, but tonight, I have to catch a bus to Kyoto (which is already reserved and everything), but I don't know what it's going to be like, and to be honest, that's a little scary for me. The other thing is that I've been waiting for this long to go see Seimei. Now, the way it works out, I'll be spending the majority of Christmas with him, which is actually kind of funny when I think about it. But still, I haven't really travelled outside of Tokyo by myself so far, so I really don't know what to expect.

I always seem to get this irrational fear though. I got it once or twice when I was just able to catch the last train home. I got it just yesterday, when I tried to go to Jin-fun-san's house through Kabuki-cho and got a little lost. I guess it'll be the same here. Once I get on the train, I'll be ok, and can enjoy everything from then on. That is, until I have to catch the return bus. And then there's the flight to Kushiro. Sigh. I guess my world will always remain hectic.

By the way, I still have several blog entires I've been meaning to write. Now that I'm settled in to the dorm, I can probably start with a few of them. Maybe I can do some on the train, or during some spare time at Holly's. Either way, the point is that I'm behind, so hopefully I'll get back on track soon.

Also, for those of you counting, class starts up again on January 12th. I'll have a new schedule, a host of new teachers, and all sorts of other things to write about, I'm sure.

Update...

Hey everyone -- I know some of you have been waiting for an update for awhile, and trust me... I've got some four or five updates to write. However, now, everything is really hectic because it's finals crunch time. My big final is on Wednesday, and I move to the dorms on Thursday. After that, I head off to Kyoto for a couple days, and off to Kushiro to visit Hol. She has internet though, so I should be able to do a few updates once I get there. Thanks everyone for being patient!